Emotional Intelligence For Lasting Love - Part 4 by Apostle Emmanuel Iren: MP3 Download & Sermon Notes

Even God's Selection Does Not Remove the Responsibility to Work

Acts 13:2 — as the early church ministered to the Lord and fasted, the Holy Ghost said: separate unto me Paul and Barnabas for the work where unto I have called them.

How comforting would it be to choose your team by divine instruction? Not based on talent or preference alone, but on a categorical word from the Holy Spirit. And yet, the reason you eventually read of Paul and Silas rather than Paul and Barnabas is that Paul and Barnabas had a serious falling out. The Bible says the contention between them was sharp. Anointed people can also fight.

The fact that God chose the spouse does not mean the home will be happy. If the home is going to be happy, both people are going to have to put in the work.

It is not prayer alone that makes a home stand. It will be wisdom. It will be emotional intelligence. It will be intentionality. This is not to discourage trusting God for direction, but to remove the dangerous assumption that divine confirmation absorbs either person of the work that follows.

Many people have never actually heard God before. But the first time they claim to — conveniently — it is God telling them who to marry. And more often than not, it is someone who, if asked directly, would say no. So they need God to force the outcome. When someone comes and says "God said you are my wife," the right response is: that's nice. What do you say? It is not God who will be in the marriage. What do you feel? The existence of supernatural confirmation does not replace logical observation.

Emotional Intelligence in the Selection Process

Emotional intelligence is the ability to accurately perceive, interpret, regulate, and respond to emotions — both yours and others' — in a way that produces wisdom and not damage.

Genius is context specific. Many people who can run a large organization cannot choose a spouse well. And many people — particularly those who came to faith early and avoided the normal dating pool — do not know their own value. They have not been tested. Some people recognize that and take advantage of it.

Romans 12:1-2 — present your body a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable unto God. And be not conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. This is how a person can be born again and still have a bad marriage: because marriage has a great deal to do with the mind and emotional health. Not everything difficult in a home is a spiritual cause. Many patterns are simply the power of examples — good or bad — passed down without examination.

• If you grew up in a home where correction always came with shouting, shouting will be your default.
• If you grew up in a physically abusive home, transferring aggression — even to children — becomes easier than it should be.
• The lie Abraham told — "she is my sister, not my wife" — was told again by Isaac. Not because of a generational demon. Because patterns, once seen, become available.

You must deliberately break generational patterns. Deliberately. Determination is the starting point: my own home will not repeat this. The errors already made are already made. But they do not have to be passed forward.

Men and Provision

Being a man will never go out of fashion. And it starts from small things. Before asking a woman to respect or submit, help the woman. There is a way of packaging yourself such that submission becomes the natural response — because what the Bible describes as submission is the default posture of a woman who feels safe.

A woman in love will change her name, relocate, rearrange her entire life. That kind of response is not forced — it is released when trust is present. Do not force a woman to say yes and then tell her to submit in the marriage. If a woman is not responding according to biblical standard, check two things: either she is simply not a woman of God, or the man is not making her life easier in any meaningful way. Serving like Christ — not mere authority — is the biblical standard of leadership.

Plan as if your wife's income will not be needed. That does not mean refusing her contribution — it means not depending on it as the baseline. Drop the house rent. Drop the school fees. She can add to whatever you bring, but bring something first. This is true regardless of how much she earns. Especially if she earns more. There are some things that should remain the husband's responsibility because they communicate something about how you see the home.

Emotional Maturity in Conflict

It takes practice to sit in a difficult conversation and not switch to the default mode of manipulation, tantrums, or emotional withdrawal. To put the details on the table, look at it objectively, disagree in a civil way, and fight gracefully — not as enemies, but as two people solving a shared problem. This is maturity. You can be tongue-speaking and not have it.

Study this subject. When you understand some of these patterns, you will see them before they trap you — and you will know what to do.

Common Manipulation Patterns to Recognize

1. False Urgency

   This pattern creates artificial pressure to force a decision before the other person has thought it through. The goal is to make someone believe they will miss something irreplaceable if they do not say yes right now.

   One of the signs of emotional maturity is the ability to disappoint people — to say: I cannot do this, not under this pressure, not on this timeline. That ability also operates in finances, in work, in every area of life. An emotionally secure person can say no with a full chest. Not everyone who presents urgency is manipulating — but recognize the tactic when it appears.

2. Intermittent Reinforcement

   This is one of the most destructive patterns in relationships. The person showers attention, kindness, and emotional presence — creating a standard in the mind of their partner. Then, without warning, they withdraw everything. They go cold and distant. The other person replays every interaction looking for what went wrong. Then, just as suddenly, the warmth returns.

   This pattern has an addictive component. The brain releases dopamine. The unpredictability of the reward makes it more compelling, not less — the same mechanism that makes gambling addictive. Random rewards create obsession. The partner ends up working harder and harder for something that will inevitably end in disappointment, and yet they cannot seem to stop.

   You may also like

   

   The Power Of Effective Communication

   by Pastor Anwinli Ojeikere

   arrow_forward

   Once you can name this pattern, you can see it for what it is. You cannot unsee it.

3. Selective Memory

   The person remembers events in ways that benefit them while erasing the aspects that do not. They rewrite history. They position themselves as the misunderstood party. When challenged, they describe the situation with such conviction that the other person begins to doubt their own recollection.

   The difference between selective memory and a different perspective: selective memory is a pattern. The person never really apologizes because in their version of events, they were never wrong.

4. Future Faking

   Elaborate promises about the future — vivid, specific, emotionally engaging. Names for children. House locations. Long-term plans that feel real enough to organize your life around. And then, when the promises are brought up, the goalposts shift. Why are you rushing? Just wait. More promises follow.

   This is how people spend years in a relationship that has no real trajectory. They stay in a cycle of hope while the window for other opportunities closes around them.

5. Moral Licensing

   The person builds moral credit — does generous, visible things — and then uses that credit as permission to hurt. When the hurt is pointed out, they direct attention to all the sacrifice they have made. The good they did becomes a justification: I have done so much, therefore you should accept this. Over time, the standard drops. The abuse continues. The one being hurt begins to second-guess their own perception.

   They use kindness as a weapon until the other person starts asking: am I ungrateful? Maybe I am the problem.

Breaking Generational Patterns

The repetition of harmful patterns in families is not always the work of demons. Some patterns are simply the power of examples absorbed without examination. You do not even realize how far the pattern has shaped you.

The good news is that this is also improving. Fathers today are more present than in previous generations — research shows the percentage of fathers who have never changed a diaper has dropped dramatically over recent decades. There is improvement. But improvement is not enough. Deliberateness is needed.

• If there is a generational pattern of broken homes, make the decision: the last broken home ends with the generation before mine.
• Say it to your children. Praise them when they do well. Validate their efforts — even small ones. A toddler who puts a square peg in a square hole and comes to you with pride deserves your full attention for thirty seconds. Inflate that sense of possibility.
• If there was love in your home growing up but your family was not demonstrative — say it. Be deliberate. Say it to your children.

Even the things your parents did well — be an improvement of them.