Emotional Intelligence For Lasting Love - Part 3 by Apostle Emmanuel Iren: MP3 Download & Sermon Notes

Development Is Context Specific

One observation that weighs heavily: a lot of Christians do not know how to get along with people. It affects marriage. It affects the local church. It affects everything that concerns the body of Christ. Large churches have been built without producing a great nation, because the investment of the church is not translating. Speaking in tongues is increasing while behavior is not changing.

A pastor friend crystallized this in a statement worth sitting with: "Being a believer doesn't make you a Christian."

If you are a believer, you are born again. But the Bible says that the disciples were first called Christians in Antioch — and they were not called Christians for what they believed, but for how they behaved. Christianity is descriptive of discipleship, not just conviction. You can be a believer and not be a Christian. Many churchgoers today are exactly that.

Emotional Intelligence Defined

Emotional intelligence is the ability to accurately perceive, interpret, regulate, and respond to emotions — both yours and other people's — in a way that produces wisdom and not damage.

The reason for exploring the uniquenesses of men and women is this: to regulate your emotions and those of others, you first need to know who you are and who they are.

Wisdom Is Better Than Strength

Ecclesiastes 9:16 — wisdom is better than strength. Ecclesiastes 9:18 — wisdom is better than weapons of war.

David and Goliath is one of the most instructive stories in the Bible on this point. In Sunday school the impression is usually given that the only reason David won was something supernatural — an angel behind the scenes. But the story deserves a closer reading.

First, David is underestimated. Someone who has killed a lion and a bear stands a very good chance against any human being regardless of size. When Saul saw his resume, the decision to let him fight was not irrational.

Second, the sling is not the children's toy most people picture. It was a weapon of range and force. Goliath was big, strong, and good with a sword. David's strategy neutralized every one of those advantages. Get the enemy from a distance. David did not kill the lion and the bear with a sling — he chose the sling specifically for this encounter. He picked the right instrument for the right situation because wisdom is better than strength.

A wise teenager will beat a foolish giant.

In modern warfare, the same principle holds. Wars are no longer won by the army with the strongest fighters or the biggest fortresses. Countries go to war without sending soldiers at all. The strength is in wisdom, in technology, in strategy. Strength and wisdom together are a complementary team.

Complementary Strengths in Marriage

Many people, especially today, still grapple with the concept of complementary strengths. A stereotypical perspective of strength insists that everyone must be strong in the same way. But look at an Olympic team — the shot putter is built for weight and force, the relay runner is built for mobility. Different strengths for different roles. Together, they win different medals for the same country.

God deliberately made men and women to be different. This is not something to complain about. It is something to understand and appreciate.

• Women are nurturers by design — there are proclivities built into them for selfpreservation and care that serve the function of the home and family.
• Men carry a proclivity toward risk — exploration, provision, protection — that has driven civilization's advances and costs many men their lives in the process.

These differences exist in complementary relationship. The world without one or the other is incomplete.

On Submission

Women are not, at their core, against submission. Most women, if honest, want someone older, someone who can provide, someone who can protect, someone they can defer to. What many women are actually against is the abuse of that position of leadership. Their resistance is often a trauma response — not to the concept but to its corruption.

This has been proven scientifically: when a woman is with a man she can trust and genuinely defer to, her nerves are calmer. Psychology shows women become more playful, more at ease, more fully themselves when they trust the man they are with.

The differentiation must be made: not against submission, but against the abusers of it.

Embrace the identity. A man is a man. A woman is a woman. Each is unique. Together, they make a great team — and that is the will of God.

Communication Differences Between Men and Women

Understanding who you are married to has direct implications for communication. Many people communicate with the opposite gender as if they are communicating with the same gender, and that mistake costs the relationship.

1. Women Self-Improve Through Feedback; Men Take Feedback as a Verdict

   Women, in general, change when they are criticized. They may be sensitive about it, but it works — it affects them and they adjust. Because this is their experience, many women assume it will also change a man.

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   Apostle Emmanuel Iren

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   It does not. When you constantly criticize a man, he gives up. He does not try harder. He will agree with you and stop trying. Criticism is counterproductive for men — it defeats his zest and communicates that he is already a failure, so there is no point pressing further. If a woman wants results, she must learn a different way.

2. Men Hear Tone; Women Hear Words

   Men and women argue differently. Men can say almost anything in a fight, and it carries with it a tacit understanding: this is combat, not confession. Two men can exchange sharp words and be on the same team the next day without a trace of cold war between them.

   Women will not forget. When dealing with a woman, words carry weight that persists long after the moment. It takes a great deal for a woman to lower her walls because she feels safe with the man she loves. When that vulnerability is injured, it takes time to rebuild — sometimes a long time.

   If wrong things are said in the right tone, a woman will not find it funny. If right things are said in the wrong tone, a man will not find it funny. Women listen to the details of words. Men are bigger on tone.

3. Men Collapse Under Contempt; Women Collapse Under Indifference

   It has been psychologically proven why women nag: for a woman who cares, a bad response is better than no response. The worst thing that can be done to a woman who cares is to go radio silent. She would rather provoke a shout than receive nothing — not out of malice, but because some people's conflict resolution demands immediate engagement while others need space first.

   If one partner cannot talk right now, they must not simply say "I don't want to talk." They must say when. Give a time, give a place. "Can we revisit this at 4 p.m.?" That is the compromise. The person who wants to talk now must respect the time given. The person who needs space must lead the conversation when the time comes — not wait to be reminded.

   It is little things like this that make or break relationships.

4. Men Retreat When Overwhelmed; Women Pursue When Overwhelmed

   Men go quiet when under pressure. Women draw closer. When a woman has had a stressful day, what she usually wants is for her partner to make her more comfortable — practical care, presence, help with things. When a man is overwhelmed, what he usually needs is space. Neither is wrong. Knowing which is which, for this specific person in this specific moment, is what emotional intelligence makes possible.

Compatibility — What It Actually Is

The most important principle for a happy marriage is marrying the right person. No communication skill works with the wrong person.

And a common mistake is not knowing what compatibility actually means. Having things in common does not make two people compatible. That is just shared hobbies.

True compatibility is: the same core values, the same life goals, the same communication styles.

• Financial outlook is one of the biggest — and most underestimated — compatibility factors. One person values spending on experiences and joy; another prioritizes financial safety and security. If those two people do not find a middle ground, they will fight constantly. Figuring out finance conversations alone resolves approximately half of marriage troubles.
• Personal growth orientation matters. Someone who values evolving, learning, and changing will quietly hold their partner to that same standard. If their partner values stability and dislikes change, resentment builds.
• Conflict resolution style must be discussed. Not everyone fights the same way or recovers at the same pace. Ground rules help — no slamming doors, no prolonged silence without a scheduled return. When you yell and the other person shuts down for days, the damage accumulates even if you feel done in ten minutes.

Also, at least eight medical tests should be done before marrying anyone. Genotype, blood group, health history — these are uncomfortable but necessary conversations. Do not use the dating season for trivial things while skipping the important ones.

The Seasons of Marriage

Gary Chapman's work on the seasons of marriage is worth reading. What many couples go through is actually completely normal — they just do not know it, so it feels like something is wrong with the marriage.

There will be a honeymoon phase. There will be a phase of disappointment when each person begins to see what the other is really like. How that disappointment is handled determines a great deal. Some psychologists say that if a marriage crosses year seven, it may survive indefinitely. But if a couple does not know they are in a season and not a permanent state, they make permanent decisions based on temporary circumstances.

The season when a woman has recently given birth is particularly vulnerable. She has been through something enormous physically and emotionally. She is bonding with a new human being. The man needs to step up in that season. And women must be deliberate too — occasionally leaving the baby with trusted people and reconnecting with their husband. That season, left unattended, can do real damage.

Do the Work

Even if God shows a person who to marry, it will not remove the responsibility of working hard to make the relationship function. Paul and Barnabas were separated unto ministry together by the Holy Ghost himself — and they still fell out. Anointed people can fight. God's selection does not absorb either person of the responsibility to work.

• Go through counseling where necessary.
• Read books. A reasonable standard: seven books on marriage before entering one.
• Understand your context. In a climate where two people must work, shared parenting is not optional — it is structural. Plates will be washed. Diapers will be changed. Not as a matter of submission but of cooperation. If the structure is not built deliberately, it will break under pressure.

The parable of the sower is useful here: the seed in Matthew 13 is the word of God — but even good seed in the wrong soil produces no fruit. The enemy often leaves the word alone and buys the field instead. A believer can carry a good theology of marriage and still destroy their home if the soil of their emotional habits, communication patterns, and self-awareness is unprepared.

Anything you do not deliberately build, you will eventually have to repair under worse conditions.

On Self-Improvement and Self-Condemnation

All horizontal relationships should be an offshoot of the vertical one. Identity comes first from the relationship with God — knowing that God loves, that God is committed to growth, and that Romans 8:1 declares there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

That becomes the platform for improvement. Acknowledge the areas that need work. Invest in them deliberately — through books, counseling, personality tests, prayer. The mistakes already made are already made; they cannot be undone. But they do not need to be carried forward as a sentence. The path of the just is as a shining light that shines brighter and brighter.

Accept yourself. Not to excuse the excesses, but to make self-acceptance the platform from which you improve rather than a wound from which you bleed.

On Submission — Answering It Practically

Women do not treat all men the same way. The same woman who seems incapable of submission treats her boss with deference. She knows when to stay quiet until the superior realizes he was wrong. She knows those things instinctively in the contexts where she genuinely looks up to someone.

You must deal with your husband with faith — seeing him as the man you want him to become, not just the man he is right now. You must speak to the prince in him. If you speak to him any other way, he will shrink. He will stop expressing himself. He will become the smaller version of himself that your communication called up.

The Michelangelo principle is real: many other sculptors saw that block of stone and thought little could come of it. Michelangelo saw David inside it. In relationship, the same person being complained about has been seen by someone else who drew something remarkable from them. The ability to bring out the best in a person is a skill that can be developed.

You can never get anything good out of a man you have schooled into submission through correction. There is a more excellent way. Express yourself. Speak up when you feel unheard. But remember that if the goal is the betterment of the relationship, there is a better strategy than repeated criticism.

On the Spouse of Job

When Satan presented his proposition in the throne room, Job's wife was not present. And yet — she eventually said the exact thing Satan had been advocating: curse God and die. It is possible that Job's wife was Satan's target all along. Satan may have known that Job himself would not cave under pressure — so he killed everyone else and left her.

This pattern runs both directions. There are households where the man is the one who gives way under pressure. The lesson remains the same: even if you are faithful to God, if you marry someone who will cave under pressure, Satan will go for that person. The serpent did not go for Adam. In Job's case, it was his wife. In Nabal's case, it was Nabal himself who was the problem.

Disaster reveals what ordinary circumstances conceal. Some people you have been happy with because disaster has not yet struck. The real test of a marriage is not how it looks when everything is working — it is what happens when everything is not.

May God give wisdom — to choose right, to build right, and to stay deliberate. May homes be filled with the peace of God. May every negative pattern that was received end with this generation and not be passed forward. May every home where this word is received become a new trajectory — the beginning of a lineage of healthy, loving, God-fearing families. In the name of Jesus.