What Do We Do With Men's Vulnerability? by Apostle Femi Lazarus: MP3 Download & Sermon Notes

The Scarcity of Good Men at Marriageable Age

One of the most troubling questions is why there is an increase in the scarcity of good men particularly at marriageable age. People are asking: what's happening to men? Why don't they want to get married? And why is it that the ones that are marriageable are not settling?

There are loads of insinuations and assumptions around this. I think it's beyond an individual thing. I think it's a societal thing.

Unconscious Expectations Around Identity

There are unconscious expectations that we have about what a man is, who a man is, what men should be, what husbands should be. And by implicit bias, we know that you can believe in an idea of what a man should be without expressing it out loud. This has formed a societal expectation of what the identity of a man should be.

This goes by saying men should be providers only, men should be strong. And a young guy who is still trying to find his footing, who just finished school, has not gotten a job yet, is not comfortable — but the society has raised certain expectations that have been absorbed into his mind and the mind has created that as his identity: if you don't have this amount of money, you are not worthy to be a husband.

If you're not a provider, you feel less of a man. And that's where comparison comes into play. You look at what your friends can afford and you can't. So why the point of getting married?

One of the most devastating relationships I've had was a girl who told me two years before I asked her out that she knew I was her husband. And in her words, the day the relationship died was the day she visited the house I was staying. This is me who is popular in my field, but my siblings were staying with me. I was living in a face-me face-you kind of house. No chair, only rug, no bed. She came to that house and I told her, I'm not going to marry you into this house. And because of that unconscious expectation, all she was seeing was this guy is broke, man. And she told all her friends I was living a fake life. But this is me just building a vision.

A guy that is financially incapable will find it difficult to tell a woman, "Believe me, true."

The Issue of Modeling

What have we modeled to the younger generation of what or who a man is? The mental picture, the mental framework. Because people think fatherhood or being a husband is just to impregnate a girl, get her pregnant, and that's it.

Many of them are scared of becoming their fathers. When I was growing up, it got to a time I used to say, I never want to be like my father. I'd be walking on the road and I'd be saying it. If I had been like my father, I wouldn't have met my wife. I have seen this pattern where men become so hard and so tough and in the last days their children are emotionally disconnected from them. This is a matter we need to talk about.

I honestly believe that the world doesn't care about men. When a man is vulnerable, he is trampled upon. I strongly believe so. And I think there is just an agenda to reduce men, to emasculate them, to make you sound insane for wanting to be a man or for demanding the barest minimum.

The Journey From Lack to Abundance

Many men are scared of the version of their wife they will get when they don't have. And the way men get treated when they don't have enough sends fear to the heart of young people. They saw their dad, they saw an uncle, they saw a friend go through that.

When I got married to my wife in 2019, she kept asking me after we had picked the wedding date, "Are you sure this wedding will hold?" Because things were not in place. In fact, my best man and the groomsmen had finished their suits. I didn't have mine because I couldn't pay for it. My suit came in at 1 a.m. on my wedding day. But she saw it that even though this guy didn't have, she believed it and she held on to it. No woman holds on to it anymore now. That is where we are missing it.

When I asked my wife to be my wife, the first thing she told me was, "I don't know what you do, I don't know what you have done, but if I'm going to marry you, I'm going to have to ask God. God has to speak with me. So I'm going to go on a fast. If you're serious about it, you can join me." Apostle, I had never heard it before. So I went on that fast. And God showed me things before He showed her. I hadn't met her father-in-law. I saw her father-in-law during the fast. I saw a vision that there was something God wanted to use me for in that household.

She said, "Well, I knew you were going to make it." She believed that there was something this guy has. And long story short, we built together. We grew together. And everything we became was because of that trust that she had.

Values Have Changed

The values have changed. You want to see a guy today and you want him to spend millions just for a wedding.

My father said to me, "Young man, if you're okay enough to feed one more mouth, I think it's okay to get married." And I think for the ladies, they always see potential in men. So trust your instincts and give it a try.

It looks like we all seem to be agreeing that girls no longer see potential. But I think from kindergarten girls are wired to see potentials. I remember my wife, when I proposed to her, I was in my extra year. And I said, "Wait a minute. Why did you agree to even marry me?" She said, "Well, I knew you were going to make it."

So the values have changed. And another thing is this social media craze. You want to do a wedding and you spend a fortune. I have a finance background. I drew up a budget and planned my wedding with what I had in hand, not anything I was expecting from someone.

For men who are struggling, honestly doing everything they can — the fear of women, and the way men get treated when they don't have enough — that sends fear to the heart of young people. And most young men are not taught to understand these red flags. A lot of times men are told what they should want but are never told what they should never take. And when they accept everything on a platter, hook, line, and sinker, and it takes someone to say, "Look, this is poison right there."

If you don't have resources like you have now, will you be confident? It's a mentality thing. I grew up around friends and when they did things that were not right, I said to myself, "Because you don't have money?" That's what they say. And I proved them wrong. What I know resonates in my spirit and that is what comes out. I still don't have enough right now. But what I hear resonates in my spirit and that is what comes out from my belly.

I believe that the one who had everything diagrammed, God can take credit for it and man can take credit for it too. But it was God's guidance that made the difference.