How Far Is Too Far Before Marriage by Apostle Femi Lazarus: MP3 Download & Sermon Notes

Marriage begins from friendship

The journey of marriage starts from friendship. To be with someone you must be comfortable with the personality of that person

Marriage is not absolutely spiritual. It is spiritual and at the same time strategic

You must be with someone you are naturally comfortable with. You can spend time with them, you can fight them and easily reconcile, someone you love and naturally respect.

If you can't find these ingredients in the relationship, there is no point going ahead to marriage

Many believers hold up a face in society, or want to prove they are not wrong. But you are in it for yourself

There is a level of practical selfishness you have to practice. As you look out for the welfare of the person, you must also consider your mental stability and your own welfare.

Without the balance of the two you find yourself in a disturbing marriage

The worst cases are domestic violence, and two people in marriage who are not friends. They fight each other daily and take pleasure in killing one another.

It comes from lack of understanding of what is important in starting a relationship

Friendship and trust

Husband: I married my best friend.

I knew my wife would be my wife the first day I set my eyes on her, but I didn't know it, because I found friendship first, someone I can trust

Early in our friendship I did a lot of the talking and she did a lot of the listening.

I could tell her anything, personal things, and that level of peace gave me assurance this was going to be for a very long time

I used to tell her, when I find someone I will marry, you will be the best friend of my wife. What I saw primarily was someone I feel safe with

In a space of safety and openness you express your natural character without being afraid of being judged

Wife: When I needed counsel, he was the only person I could trust. When he told me to do something I didn't second guess it.

I saw in him a leader I could trust, who was not leading me into doom

Submitting became easy because it had been like that from the beginning. It wasn't something I was pretending into or trying to patch. We were both sincere

I told him things raw. He wasn't judging or condemning me, he didn't make me feel I'm not spiritual. He mentored me and counselled me.

I look back and I didn't make a mistake trusting him

We were friends for 3 years and dated for 4. Our wedding kiss was our first

Consecration in courtship

It wasn't easy, because I love her and I'm attracted to her. It was a commitment to God

As a pastor I believed I needed some levels of consecration. My mouth is sacred, I must not pollute this source.

I communicated it to her at the beginning of the relationship, and that is what kept us

Structures around our relationship

• Covenant friends we reported to, for example, I'm visiting my sweetheart today
• More outdoor meetings than indoor
• We expressed our emotional feelings through words
• Studios, pictures, holding hands on the road, and keeping everything as simple as possible

Wife: What kept me sane was his statement that his mouth is a tool for God and he had made a covenant with God that he won't defile it.

When emotions tried to roar, I reminded myself I won't be the reason this man breaks his consecration with God

We had an agreement and something we were looking forward to. I saw myself as someone who must help him protect the consecration he made before he met me

Marriage is not something you graduate from. It is not a 4-year course or a 5-year course. You will still have this person 10, 20, 30 years.

The consecration that kept your relationship should be strong enough to keep your marriage

When you start breaking consecration in relationship, there is a problem. If you break your decision in relationship, I don't have any reason to hold on to such an agreement or covenant in marriage

Advantages of that decision

It built trust. We had no reason to suspect one another. I felt like kissing her, I wanted to hold her, but I did not.

If you see me with another lady, you have the assurance that even if he wants to, he won't, because he didn't do it with me

My word is my word. If my wife says this is it, it is it, no matter who is talking against it

We had a clear head. There was no time emotion was clouding our judgment. There was no, if you talk to me this way I won't kiss you for 3 weeks.

We could see every conversation from a clear-headed perspective

Wife: why I made up my mind

Growing up I saw the damage to a marriage close to my parents. The wife had sex before marriage with another person and almost got pregnant.

She missed a period and her mother took her to a doctor for a test. She told her husband everything and it almost destroyed their marriage

Years into marriage he never trusted her. Every time he saw her with another man the conversation came up

I told myself I will not do this with any man before I get married. Not because God said so, I had not even been exposed to scripture.

I didn't want a husband who doubts me and sees me with every man

I wanted to be able to tell my husband that if I could keep myself before I met you, I can keep myself in marriage, so you have no reason to doubt me.

What God said reinforced the decision I had already made

Marriage is for all humanity

Marriage is an institution created by God for all humanity, not for all Christians. Everyone must approach marriage the same way

I'm a pastor and I can say categorically that I don't believe what makes marriage work is just hearing from God that this is your spouse.

You can hear and still suffer and not enjoy the marriage

Marriage is a combination of spiritual insight and strategy

Compatibility

Amos 3:3

The agreement there is talking about compatibility: the ability to see someone and know you can walk with this person. Marriage is founded not just on hearing from God but on agreement

Compatibility has two parts

1. What you enjoy together. This person likes what I like. By similarity we are compatible
2. What complements. I know how to do A, this person knows how to do B, and by the time we combine effort we have something we can work with

You look at what you share in common and how you can help one another. It's not just about being spiritual. It's about understanding a business or partnership. In marriage you work together

Attraction

From secondary school I had a strong attraction for a chocolate lady, tall with straight legs, a wonderful smile with dimples. All along I had been looking for a woman like that

What I see with the physical eye I should get from attraction. What I cannot see with the physical eyes, I get from direction

I would never recommend that anyone marries a woman or man they do not like or are not attracted to.

There must be basic qualities you like in your spouse that keep on the fire of love when the excitement is over. She still has those things in her old age.

The law of attraction is very important

God didn't choose a wife for Adam. He asked Adam to make his choice, because God honours attraction

Genesis 2:19

God brought all the animals to Adam to see what he would name them. It may feel like Adam had no choice, choosing between Eve and baboons and apes, but that's not entirely true

Genesis 2:21

The Lord brought a rib from the side of Adam. In the original Hebrew, the word for that rib means desire. God brought out the desire of Adam to create Eve.

What Adam saw was his long desired goal

Genesis 2:23

At last means he had been searching. This is the bone of my bone and the flesh of my flesh. That is a principle of compatibility. I found it

God didn't say, behold Eve, your wife. He brought Eve. What God will do at best is bring you on the way of your spouse.

You just meet, at the same university or at one function. Divinity has completed the assignment when both of you meet

It is your responsibility to build on what you are attracted to

God said is not a licence to skip the work

For those who decide solely because God said this is your wife, I feel they have not completed the assignment. You have not built anything with this person.

There is nothing attracting you to this person

You don't have to act on that word as immediately as you heard it. Take your time. Build something. Look out for something. Ask questions. When we treat God as unapproachable it becomes a problem

Ask God, what is in her for me? What will bind this marriage? What will help us on this journey? Build friendship, start conversation.

By the time you build friendship you will discover what God actually saw that made Him feel this person is suitable for you

If you jump into marriage without asking questions, you start asking them late. What you should correct in friendship becomes too late to correct in marriage.

Things are not easy to change when people are already married

Religious people cover weaknesses by saying God said this is my wife, God said I'm your husband, so accept me the way I am. That is unfair. Are you willing to make changes?

Are you willing to improve?

God is not one-way traffic. If you don't marry this person, can't you marry God's will again for your life? No.

If that person is not willing to make necessary changes, not willing to know you and love you the way you want to be loved, not willing to make himself attractive to you, you can say no.

You are not boxed in by God said

Illustration: the road

A bad road you pass every day, you get used to it and you are frustrated. One day you find men at work, work in progress on that road.

You have hope that in the next few weeks it will be more comfortable

That is where marriage should be: always at the work in progress level, where your partner has something to hope for and looks forward to a better you.

Not a place where you have given up on working on yourself and expect him to take you like that because God said

Make yourself worthy of the person God has said you will marry. Don't stand on God said and become complacent. Believers should add virtue to godliness. 2 Peter 1:5

Ladies, take time to look good, to work on yourself. You can frustrate the will of God with the way you look and the way you smell. Don't frustrate the brother. Add virtue

God said it's not by force. That God said you doesn't mean I must be the one to take it.

There are 7,000 men who could replace me if I don't want to go on that journey. Marriage is not by force

The will of God is not a person

Illustration: the brother's letter

A Christian brother wrote to a sister who rejected his offer in 2021.

No other man has married you, I'll make you first wife, refuse and you will be second, third or fourth, I am your sole hope. He added a line about her running out of eggs

The lady should run as fast as possible away from such a man. That is not marriage, that is a prison world. That man will destroy every little sanity that remains in her

It is a pity we have Christian brothers who think this way. They see women as commodities. They think too highly of themselves. Marriage is not supposed to be a do or die affair

The will of God is not a person. The will of God is an idea, and it can be bottled in any physical form that is available

One hundred percent of the time God will not tell you, this is your wife. God will show you someone who fits into the idea of your spouse.

So you can't be absolute about getting married to someone, and you can't think too highly of yourself as the only provision for that person

Even if God gave you a name, Rachel, Rachel must accept you. If Rachel does not accept you, we get another name.

The person you are choosing may not choose you back, and that doesn't mean they have missed the will of God for their lives. You are not God. People have choices

That lady is better off single. She will serve God and fulfill purpose better than marrying such a man

Illustration: five names to a prophet

A guy brought five names to his dad, who happens to be a prophet. The dad looked at the names and said, this is your wife.

The name chosen was a woman about five times his size. He had no attraction towards her

They were married for years. He would say words like, my dad destroyed my life

There is no place in the Bible, Genesis to Revelation, where someone else makes a marital choice for you. No one should make that choice for you. You are in the primary seat.

Whether you are a Christian or you believe in nothing, you make that choice yourself

The concept of taking names to a prophet should expire immediately. No pastor is ordained to choose a marital partner

By virtue of our position as ministers we can see into the future. I can see two people getting married and see that it will work, but I will never say it to them.

Couples in our ministry I knew would be husband and wife when they were still friends. I never said it until they navigated their journey and found themselves compatible. For me it is a gift

We don't have the right to tell people not to, and they may choose to ignore it. This is where counselling comes in.

If you make your choice I can counsel you: this is what I foresee, your marriage will likely face these challenges. Then you make the choice

The decision of who to marry is not in the hand of any prophet or pastor. Anyone who says marry on my authority is bullying you into marriage

If you don't feel like sleeping with someone, don't marry them. You must feel like having sex with someone before you decide you want to marry them.

You must be attracted to them, love something about them, feel at home in their presence. Anything outside that, please check it, it may not be correct

Spiritual warfare in marriage

Testimony: 21 days after the wedding

21 days after we got married, on a Sunday, I was leading service and the Lord gave me a word: there is a lady here wearing the garment of a widow.

I rebuke whatever the devil was planning

The week before, my wife shared a story she read online of a couple. 21 days after their wedding there was a fire incident, smoke filled the room where they slept, the man didn't make it and the woman survived.

We just said, God help them

That morning's word didn't connect to anything she said. I was just praying and God showed me

That night I was thirsty. We have a fridge in the bedroom and another in the kitchen. I felt I should drink water from the kitchen.

The moment I opened the door it was thick smoke. I wrapped my face and walked through to check the source. It was gas, the exact thing in that story.

I put it off and we opened the doors for the smoke to be expelled. It took days to bring the house back to normal

Lesson: it matters what we expose our minds to. If we build fear in those areas the devil will want to recalibrate it

We must never, in the name of wisdom, sideline spiritual insight in marriage. There are things we do not understand

You are not marrying a person. You are marrying an embodiment of relationships: how they grew up, who they met, who raised them, and the battles they are coming with.

Getting married is like signing an alliance

You have to build a spiritual warfront to navigate through life

Our battle: the one-year decision

When we married we decided not to get pregnant for the first year. Six months later I had a revelation.

I saw a trend in our families where people get married and wait a number of years before having a baby

The Lord said to me, you are playing to the gallery. You are allowing the devil to use your personal opinion about waiting one year to repeat history.

We cut that decision off and said, we are ready to have our babies now

Wife: When I was playing to the gallery, saying I don't want anything for now, the devil had leverage to continue that pattern in my lineage.

I said I'm going to put an end to it, not for myself but so my children will not have to fight battles I left unattended

The enemy's attack on marriage is at the forefront. Once the marriage institution is broken, a lot of things thrive in the kingdom of darkness

Family is the smallest unit in society. When marriages work we raise healthy children, we have a healthier society, and the devil is losing on every front.

His method is to ensure we don't have healthy marriages

The battle against marriage has been since the garden of Eden.

If we don't admit we are at war when it comes to homes and marriages, we are playing the card of the devil for him

We can't assume everything is fine because I see her, I like her, he likes me. The devil will come for you. Marriage comes with battle, and each battle is peculiar to each family

When you are marrying someone, understand where they are coming from, know the battles they fight in their family, and be ready for it

Illustration: the first wives die

A lady wanted a guy who at first did not choose her. Later he said, okay, I'll marry you. She discovered that in his family the first wives always die.

He wanted to marry her so that when she is dead he can marry the one he actually loves

The lady, after hearing that, still wanted to go ahead. She went to a man of God and said, pray for me that I will not die.

They didn't marry, but it was a struggle to get her out of that thought

It is a different ball game if the guy actually loves you and wants you, then you both have a battle to fight.

Not when he is willing to sacrifice you to continue a pattern in his family

You can't get married to a man blindly, not knowing where he is coming from. No single person is detached from the battles except when they have made a conscious effort

Wife: Battles are real in marriages, and we must be ready to fight. That is where the place of God is always important

The first years: blending

It is necessary to have a moment in the first few months of marriage to blend things. Must it be like a tribulation season? No, it doesn't have to be

It is a moment you cannot run away from, because no matter how long you stay in courtship you will never know absolutely what you need to know.

The moment of blending is where you see your partner as they really are

How long you stay there depends on your level of understanding, your yielding to the process, and your maturity. For some people it may be 2 months. Some struggle for years in their marriage.

It doesn't have to be

The thing that elongates the time is a lack of willingness on both sides to make adjustment

Culture shock: the stew

In the second week of our marriage we were eating rice and stew on a Sunday afternoon. I saw something in the stew and started saying, my God.

It was the yam and egg we didn't finish the day before. She preserved it so we wouldn't waste, and poured it into the stew

I was coming from two places. Growing up in distress, I was punished by having to eat leftovers when my dad was not at home.

It was trauma: nobody under heaven will bring me to that. And I lived with boys, sometimes 16 in my house, who finished whatever was left. So I believe whatever you eat should be fresh

I saw somebody trying to bring back the life God took me out of. I left the food, in tears. She said, it's just food. From that moment we don't do that.

Whatever it is, we outsource. We can afford somebody to help since we are both busy

Culture shock: the kitchen stool

One day I couldn't find my wife in the house. I found her weeping on a small stool in the store in the kitchen.

She had planned to experiment different foods for her husband, rice, salad, but I didn't eat

I take breakfast at 7:00 p.m. or 9:00 p.m. She asked, are you fasting today? No, it's just my first meal of the day.

Two things combined in my life: starvation in the early days, and fasting

Culture shock: the baby

I couldn't carry a baby. I would be shaking. They were too fragile for me. One of my younger brothers was so tiny when he was born that I almost sat on him

Wife: meat and cooking

I love to cook and make pastries. My husband doesn't eat snacks or biscuits or anything I make. I came prepared with chocolate cake, vanilla, coconut

My dad doesn't really eat meat. If you gave him one piece he ate half and returned half. So I didn't believe men are supposed to like meat.

I served my husband warm meat the way my mom served my dad. He asked, what is happening to us? There is no meat in the pot

I grew up with my mom putting a minimum of four pieces of meat on my food. To me it is a gesture that should happen in marriage.

It is an honour to have plenty meat and you pick one or two

I was trying by all means to box my husband into the shoes of my father. My husband is not my father, and I am not his mom.

He can't expect me to do things exactly the way his mom did

Husband: suya

At the beginning of marriage she was trying to regulate my meat intake. Over the years the Lord worked on my desire for meat

Coming back from Bible study, I heard a voice in my spirit: you are not going to take suya again. I told my wife.

I didn't know how I would do it, but I knew the word was true. For two solid years I did not take suya

Later God gave me permission that my wife can make it at home, but I would not buy it outside

Wife: That was a miracle to me. Marry someone who hears God, because your battles are easy. You can go to God and have Him make changes you can't make by words of mouth.

It wasn't something I could have talked my husband out of

Wife: ironing

My mother doesn't like to iron. I grew up with a father who ironed all our clothes, even when I was an undergraduate. When I got married I didn't understand why my husband doesn't iron

God showed me I was trying by all means to make this man my father. I had to adjust and understand him for who he really is, not for who I want him to be.

I accepted it. I love him like that. Till date we still give the ironing out

Adjusting and finding a way around

You can go the extra mile for your spouse. There are things you can do to ensure peace reigns in the home, not insisting this is how I want things

Recognize you are coming from different backgrounds. There will be different preferences.

At the first few months of marriage you learn to blend those differences, and it depends on how willing both of you are to bend

We didn't wake up into it, we walked into it. We had our contributions, our adjustments, our blendings. We had understanding and communication, and we could talk about anything

That phase of our life was not as long as for some others because we realized early that this man is different from every other man

There are differences you might not be able to reconcile. Just find a way around it. You don't have to fight about it.

If you can find a way out of it, find a way out of it