Critical Things To Notice When Searching For The One by Pastor Kingsley Okonkwo: MP3 Download & Sermon Notes

The Problem with How We Choose a Spouse

The average young person desperately praying for marriage has no clue what they want. When asked what they are looking for, the answer is typically: tall, six packs, six figures — 666. Those things do not determine who a good man is.

If you are writing your list, you should know what to articulate. Tall should not make the top ten in your list. If you truly understand what marriage requires, tall can come in at number 19 or 20. Instead of tall, choose tolerant. Instead of a fine man, choose a faithful man. A faithful man is better than a fine man.

The first criterion for a Christian is that the person must be in Christ. Marry another Christian. Second, the person must have Christian character. Some people are Christians but do not have Christian character. Just because you met someone in church does not mean you should marry them. Sleeping in a garage does not make you a car. Someone can attend church and not be a Christian or not have a Christian lifestyle.

What Love Actually Is — The Story of Amnon and Tamar

2 Samuel 13:1–14

In the course of time, Amnon the son of David fell in love with Tamar, the beautiful sister of Absalom. Amnon became so obsessed with his sister Tamar that he made himself ill. On the advice of a friend, he pretended to be sick, had Tamar brought to him to prepare food, and then dismissed everyone else from the room. When she brought the bread to him, he grabbed her and said, "Come to bed with me, my sister." She refused, reasoned with him, begged him to speak to the king instead. But since he was stronger than she, he raped her. Then Amnon hated her with intense hatred — in fact, he hated her more than he had loved her. He said, "Get up and get out."

This story is critical because it exposes what most people call love. What most people call love is emotion. And it is very important to be able to differentiate between feelings and what love really is — because if you can make that differentiation, not just your love life but your whole life will go better.

Love is not a feeling. Love might include a feeling, but love is not a feeling. If someone shows you the tires of a car, it is part of the car — but is the tire the car? That is what has been done with love. One part of love has been focused on and it has been called the whole thing.

Men Want to Mate — Women Want a Mate

Men want to mate and women want a mate.

All Amnon was looking for was sex. What Tamar wanted was a mate. But unfortunately, she was negotiating with a rapist about marriage.

A man's natural instinct is to mate. That is why there are men who do not want to marry but want to have sex, want to date for a long time, want someone to sleep over. Men are very upfront about what they want. A woman's natural instinct is to want a mate — someone to do life with, a life partner. A man wants a sex partner. A woman wants a life partner.

Women also need to be more upfront about what they want. Wasting seven to ten years in a relationship that is not going anywhere serves neither party. Be clear about what you want from the beginning.

What to Look For — Critical Signs

• How do they treat people who cannot help them? — The way a person treats a waiter, a driver, or a subordinate tells you who they really are. Character shows in how power is used over the powerless.
• How do they handle conflict and anger? — Anger management is not optional in marriage. A person who cannot control their anger will wound you in marriage. Watch how they respond when things do not go their way.
• Are they genuinely compassionate? — Compassion must be natural in a woman. If a woman does not have it, that is a serious problem. It is what she is designed to contribute. A woman's reaction to every problem should include love — she is a lover by nature.
• Do they have a work ethic and responsibility? — A man must be building something. Direction matters more than destination. He does not need to have arrived, but he must be going somewhere with intention.
• Do they value relationship or do they only value what you offer? — Some people are drawn to what you have, not to who you are. Learn to tell the difference before you commit.
• Are they spiritually rooted? — A person in Christ with Christian character is the baseline, not a bonus. This is non-negotiable for a believer.

The Importance of Both Father and Mother in the Home

Marriage is such a beautiful union because husband and wife work together as a team — and there are things a man will teach children that a woman can never teach, and things a woman will teach that a man can never teach.

When the world says men and women are the same, it is trying to remove one whole sector of what a child needs.

Men teach children consequence. Women teach children compassion. Children need both.

A woman's reaction to every problem is love. If her son misbehaves, her instinct is compassion. A man is not as emotionally connected to the child's present discomfort — he is more interested in the child's future. So he teaches consequence, because if a child does not learn consequence at home, they will learn it in prison, in poverty, or through arrest.

Most children who grow up without a father end in prison. They lack a sense of consequence. The woman is the head of Red Cross — treating everyone regardless. That same woman cannot be the head of SWAT. We need both. Neither is more important than the other.

Parenting is not a woman's job alone. Men have critical roles to play. It is important for a son to see what a man looks like — only his mother is not enough.

Every Madness Has a Root Cause

Every form of dysfunction has a root cause. Nothing is simply "born that way." When you investigate — when people open up — there is always a story. A child who only saw his mother do makeup and dress became what he saw. A boy who received the most compliments when dressed in girls' clothes began to crave that attention and built an identity around it.

One counselor shared that even after surgery, a changed name, and a new life, the pull to be a man returned — but it was too late. He now goes about telling others: you may have temporary feelings, but do not make permanent decisions.

Sons learn from what they see. Every madness you see in public is slackness from home.

This is why family is not a peripheral issue. It is the foundation of everything — communities, nations, and generations.