Timeless Truths Every Woman Must Hear by Pastor Mildred Kingsley-Okonkwo: MP3 Download & Sermon Notes

Mentorship: let the older women teach the younger

Titus 2:3-5 is one of the scriptures that have been a foundation for my life

God was setting a principle of mentorship

A lot of mistakes we make can be avoided

A lot of things we struggle to do, we can learn easily by watching those who have gone ahead of us

Humble beginnings

My parents were not poor, but they were not rich. We were comfortable until my father made one of the greatest mistakes of his life, taking us to the village

A great Baptist man, but maybe he didn't listen to the Holy Spirit at that time

My brother took ill. According to my father, somebody rubbed something on his head. My father noticed that every time people wanted to carry me I would be screaming, don't touch me. Now I know Psalm 20:6

We came back to the city. That was the beginning of a 6 year journey of pain, waste and pressure. My parents took him everywhere

My father started selling the properties. He was building a house, he sold everything, and we started eating from our palm

One afternoon some pastors were in our house praying over my brother. About 3 he died after 6 years of that journey. So we became poor

Illustration: my father and my school fees

I got admission to secondary school at 9 plus and there was no money. My father went to his boss at the federal ministry of agriculture and said, I want to retire voluntarily

The boss said, why? My father said, my daughter just gained admission to secondary school and I need to pay. The boss said, you are mad. If you had said your son.

A daughter will get pregnant in school, or if she manages to finish, she will change her name. Get out of my office

My father insisted, sir, I want my gratuity, I'm retiring. He retired, collected the gratuity and paid about three years of fees. He bought mattress and soap and sent me to boarding house

Eventually I became the head girl. My father kept telling me, remember the daughter of who you are. My surname in Yoruba means my news goes around the world.

He said, this is the girl that would take my name around the world

Two weeks after, the boss called him back and said, you challenged me, take back your job. But when it is time for you to retire, there will be no gratuity

My father said to me, you are my gratuity. You are better than seven sons

We had a Baptist background. We were taught well, raised well. They pumped value into us. They taught us about marriage and societal values. I grew up in a godly home

Meeting Jesus

I got born again at about 14. It was my Baptist choir director that led me to the Lord

I used to be very rascally. No matter what I wore, there would be a trouser underneath, ready to fight

Sometimes a boy would just come and slap me and stars would come out. Then we would start

I was trying to protect my space. Life has dealt with me, you won't take my dignity

My choir director said, bring your CV to my house tomorrow, I'm taking you to look for a job. At the back of my unregenerated mind, this man wants to take advantage of me.

I told my uncle's wife, you're going to meet me at the police station

After the office, we went to his house. He brought out a Bible and read Galatians 5:19-22. I cannot remember what he said, but I knew he was describing my life. I was all tears

About 11:40 in the morning on September 14, 1978, I knelt down and gave my heart to Jesus. The trajectory of my life changed forever

That man followed me up till I stood in Christ. He taught me how to dress, taught me everything. He is a missionary today, about 80 something.

I told him, even if you don't win any other soul, I'm enough, because of the ripple effect of my life

A father who lays down everything for his daughter gives an impression of how God is to us

My husband and the call

After I got born again I became a member of a Christian fellowship. I would go very early on fellowship days to sweep the church.

No matter how early I went, there was always this brother on his knees, his shirt wet from praying. I would sweep around him and then service would start. Today that brother is my husband

I asked him why he was always praying. He said, I was praying for my pastor. This was the pastor who didn't treat him well because he wanted me to marry his brother

My husband did not know he would become a pastor, but he was sowing that seed

My husband teaches me how to walk with God

After we got married he said to me, don't die under my shadow

He said, I refuse to be an African husband. If I did not marry you, you would still have had a destiny. So why should marriage cage you?

He wasn't a pastor when we got married. He became a pastor 3 years later. I told him this is the end of our relationship. I used to be a very private person. I hated public life

His boss transferred him from Ibadan to Akure. I said, now you have become a weekend husband, just go. I was heavily pregnant

One of the ways God speaks to me is when I'm reading a book.

I read, as a true child of God, if your husband comes home and announces his transfer to a more rural place, will you throw temper tantrums? I knew that was God

I told my husband, God has spoken to me, I'll go with you. I brought out the book to show him and we could not find the phrase. We still have the book. That's how God is

On March 7, 1987, about 3:00 p.m., I stood on the street when we entered Akure. I said, Lord, I married a town planner, not a pastor. You gave me an encounter and I'm here.

Hear these two prayers

• Lord, I will so much stand by Felix Adejumo. If he fails, hold me responsible.
• Lord, I give my life to you. If there are 10 women in this region that you want to lay your hands on, let it please you to make me one of them.

I know God heard those two prayers

Is there an African husband?

Yes. Most African men are African husbands because we run a patriarchal society

I'm a law student. A woman is chattel, property in many cultures. When a man dies intestate she is one of the things to be divided and distributed

Even when you get born again, it's your spirit that is born again. Your body is not. Your mind, your soul Romans 12

Many men never saw their fathers display affection.

Even my father, as fantastic as he was, I would see my mother serving water on her knees and my father would take the water and not say stand up.

That was the mentality I brought to marriage

The woman is to be seen and never heard, even when she is seen

The same men are in the mosque, in the church, in politics, among policy makers. It takes a conscious effort to see men like my husband and Pastor Kingsley Okonkwo, who have given their wives space and place

It's insecurity, and insecure men are very dangerous

We also have wives that are evil

Marriage is not a scam

Marriage is neither Western nor African. There's no marriage in the Western world and none in the core African setting. Marriage is biblical. It is a gift from God

It takes levels of maturity to stay married. We don't have a perfect marriage, but we have a great one. There are days I wake up and ask, are we still married?

Because of what happened yesterday. I'm just being real

When we got married we have only married a version of that person. If your spouse continues to improve and self-develop and the other does not, after some time you become insecure

When we got married I wasn't a graduate. I noticed my husband's circle of friends was changing. He started mentoring governors and commissioners.

I said to myself, one day I will no longer fit the front of this man's car. I went back to school and got my degree

Now while I'm in class on Zoom, my husband sits and listens. He reads my law books, because in one year this girl will have evolved again. He doesn't want to be left behind.

I listen to him as he self-improves. It's not that he's speaking about politics and I'm talking about tomatoes

When the Bible talks about us being helpers, it talks about being suitable for where he is now and adaptable to where he's going. Consciously and intentionally evolving so we don't outgrow each other

Illustration: dating

Four times while we were dating we said, we're not doing this. He asked what kind of home I wanted. I said, a home where nobody will disturb us, just the two of us.

He dropped his head. Then he said, I want a home where the door is open 24 hours, people come in and eat the last meal. I said, I can't marry you.

I didn't know he would become a pastor. So I have also grown

Going back to school at 60 to study law

It's been a childhood dream. When I was born people gathered to cry for my parents. A girl, what can she ever become? If not for God and my father who kept pumping possibility

I wanted a platform where I can speak legally for women

When I was turning 60 I began to assess my life. You've been to five continents. You've preached from Genesis to Revelation. You have a happy home, your husband loves you, you have children.

What next? There are two people you can't deceive, God and yourself

I realized I had two regrets

1. IVF

   I wish I knew about the technology of IVF, because I'm very fertile. Four children in six years. I would have donated my eggs free of charge. Now I'm menopausal, so I sponsor IVF

2. Barrister

   I wanted to be a barrister. Something was still missing. God has even added bishop Ephesians 3:20

I sat in my car after service. A lady said, Mama, how are you feeling, you're going to be 60. I said, I have two regrets. She said, you can do it. That was Sunday.

Monday I was in school to obtain a form

At home I was always watching television, so I relocated to school. I sit in the front. I told my lecturers, treat me like everyone else, I don't want special treatment, if I fail I fail

One lecturer said, thank you for not putting us in a situation where we have to add marks or lie for you

The dean of the faculty of law said in my first week, Ma, the world followed you here. You cannot afford to fail. We all watch you online

At 2:00 a.m. I'm reading in my room and then I go on my knees. Father, this is the end, it's only you now.

When I look at my results I don't just cry, I wail in gratitude to God

I want a law firm where I can employ lawyers to speak for women and men. You may not want to hear me as a female preacher, but you can't discriminate against a female lawyer.

I have a legal backing

The one thing for wives

Know God and hold on to him

Marriage is hard work. Marriage is warfare. There are many things working against marriage, tangible and intangible, and it is not getting easier

Any man can fail you. He's a human being. That's the depravity. It's only God that is infallible, including you as a wife

It's God that can heal what nobody can heal. It's God that can touch what nobody can touch. It's God that can change what nobody can change

Take care of yourself

Many times we make our husbands God. It's wrong Exodus 20:3. When the man fails you, you are finished. Or if the man dies

One of my mentors, when her husband died at 55, said, I don't even know who I am. It was always so and so's wife

Know yourself, invest in yourself, believe in yourself, like yourself. Learn to be alone. I'm not saying lonely. Know your worth. Marriage is one of the expressions. Marriage is not what completes you as a person

Marriage is heavy. After every wedding comes a marriage. It takes a lot not just to be married but to stay married

Hold God with one hand, your predominant hand, and hold your joy with your other hand. And don't die. Your children will suffer for no reason. Men bounce back quickly

The boy child

If we don't raise the boy child we will continue to have this problem. We fought so much for the girl child that we forgot the boy child

We are training the girls and forgetting that these boys will have to marry these girls. If the girls are advanced, the boys can't keep up. Let's train all children, balanced, at the same time

We are training these women and handing them to untrained men. Marriage is too heavy for one person to carry. The men need to be involved

When we started Wife 101, I convinced Pastor to do a class for the husbands.

Get the women to do marriage God's way and they go back to men doing it Satan's way, it is not going to work.

Some of the men went behind to say they want the money. They don't want to attend the classes

A lot of women have suffered in the hands of men, even men of God. Some women don't want to be married and just do surrogacy or IVF

Mothers-in-law

Women are territorial emotionally. The woman thinks, you're coming to take my son

I'm on both sides. My daughters are married and my sons are married

At my son's mother and son dance I whispered in his ear, from today I cease to be the most important woman in your life. Your wife is now

I told my boys, if you love your wives the way your father loves me, you won't have any problem with these girls

When my daughters-in-law were coming, I was ready for them. I will love you to submission. We have had our issues

Some wives are evil. Some mothers-in-law are, they will say, witches. When evil and witch encounter. Little by little I believe the story is changing. We're not there yet but we're on our way

Sometimes I travel with my daughters-in-law without the husbands. I tell them, tell me when I'm wrong. I'm not perfect. The FFA on the pulpit is different from the FFA as a mother and mother-in-law.

So we trash our issues

The one practical thing for a mother-in-law

Accept her as your own child and understand that she's different. Let her make her mistakes. Don't compare her with you. There's no need for competition

Your children are now two, not one

What I would do differently

I've learned not to be so trusting to be careless

I'm choleric. We are very loyal people, go-getters, natural leaders. But we trust because we think everybody is like us. I've burnt my fingers a few times

Don't be so trusting to be careless

What has got me here

1. Grace

   The grace of God that makes your life expensive. When you're alone with God in the bathroom or your prayer closet, you wonder, how did I get here? This couldn't have been me

   It's the beginning of everything

2. Focus

   I'm very focused. I'm not easily distracted. They can say it's stubbornness, but it has paid off

   I qualify my relationships. I can be an acquaintance, but I guard my space

   I don't want to die as a woman when I'm old. I want to die as an institution. I want people to still be studying my life when I'm gone

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   I don't want to carry normal anointing. I want to look at my mates and not be able to find my mate among my mates

3. Gratitude

   Gratitude multiplies. I'm grateful to God

   I'm grateful to my husband because he taught me to preach. In my village they say the person who didn't allow you to die is superior to the person who allowed you to be wealthy

   When there was no global FFA, he was there. He allowed me to use the platform God gave to him. He helped me go get my first degree. I hated maths, and he taught me.

   There is no honor I will give to anybody until I've given it to him. He earned it

   I'm grateful to my father. One day I was at the airport in Atlanta, almost missing my flight, and I said, imagine if I didn't go to school. I blessed my father who would have been 101

   I'm grateful to those who gave me platforms, and to my children

Added: generosity

I've seen how you take care of widows and orphans. You are constantly giving, even at the risk of sacrificing what you need for yourself

It's one of the reasons this woman cannot fail. Who will bless all these people if she does?

It's also in welcoming and celebrating everyone, even people who are coming after you

Women in the pulpit ministry

There are 3 kinds of women in ministry

1. The chosen woman married to the called man

   Moses was the one called. Zipporah was chosen

   Kenneth Hagin Senior. I'm not sure we ever heard his wife Oretha preach. But that woman lived to see her fourth generation preaching

   They minister to the person who ministers on the pulpit

2. Called women married to called men

   Aquila and Priscilla. Kenneth Copeland and Gloria Copeland

   The man is called to the pulpit ministry Ephesians 4, as an apostle, prophet, evangelist, pastor or teacher. The woman too is called

   How each marriage works out is different. In the home it is not one apostle married to another apostle. It is a man married to a wife

3. Called women married to chosen men

   Joyce Meyer. If she were African, Dave Meyer would by now be bearing apostle, bishop, something. But all of us can tell Dave Meyer is the backbone of Joyce. He's into the administrative

   Deborah was a called woman married to a chosen man

The fact that your husband is the pastor does not mean you are called to the pulpit. You may be an apostle in the marketplace

First identify. Are you called into the pulpit ministry?

Everybody wants to be Reverend Mrs. Everybody wants to go into the pulpit ministry. Everyone wants to be called mama. That's not how it works

Don't hurry God to call your husband. There will be trouble, because you want somebody to carry your back

Ministry has challenges, joy and privileges. Zipporah was sent back Exodus 18. The first pastor's wife missed the miracle

Ministry is tough. Ministry can be frustrating

One lady walked into my husband's office to propose marriage to him. He said, don't you know I'm married? She said, I've been in this church for 4 years, I know you have four kids

There are people who are not happy that you are happy.

There are people who want you to go to bed and not wake up, because you are married to the man they would give anything to sleep with

Before you go into ministry, make sure you are truly called. Your walk with God you can't joke with:

• Prayers
• Worship
• Study of the word
• Giving
• The company you keep
• Mentoring

Life is lived in seasons

When our kids were young I did not travel. You would never see my face on any poster. I decided to put my career on hold to raise our kids.

God gave me my sister who lived with us

When the children started growing I started traveling with them. I acknowledge them and give them the mic to greet, so they see I didn't just leave home to go and waste my time

Life is not lived in years. Life is lived in seasons. You need to understand the season you are in

I'm a grandmother of nine. I'm not tied down. My husband knows our lives are in the offering bucket. This is the evening. Once you are 70, the night has begun.

I have about seven more years to be really active

There are things you can no longer carry. You can't lift a table. If your children are young, you can't be flying around like FFA. I paid my dues.

Even staying at home, it takes God to raise kids

Parenting

There's no perfect parent anywhere. You can pray and your child can still miss it

No child is sent to any parent. Children are only sent through us. That child does not belong to you. You do your best and then you leave the rest to God

Please don't kill yourself because of any child. Don't live the way our parents lived, saying, when I grow old these children will take care of me. Retirement plan

If your child gets 1 million today, you're not the first person the child will remember. Mortgage is there, house rent is there, the wife is there

No matter how fantastic Pele was, he couldn't play football in every season of his life. So don't eat with 10 fingers.

Save, invest, consolidate, so that in the evening of your life, when there are no meetings and no honoraria, you can still fly business class or first class

Then we are not putting pressure on our children to take care of us

We are just God's nannies. The child is yours, but the instruction on how to raise the child comes from God. The outcome is up to God and the child

Divorce

Divorce is not the end of your life

The church has not been fair. Once you are divorced you become stigmatized. A lot goes on behind the curtains, even with pastors

Money: every woman must have her own

Esther 1, they gave her her own

Proverbs 31

Sexually transmitted money don't last

There's what we call she money. Every woman must enter that level. No matter how wonderful your husband is, have your own money. Have joint accounts, but there should be an account of your own

My husband turned 60 and I gave him 61 gifts, including the latest car. I couldn't have taken that from the joint account. He would know

There's something it does to you as a woman. You feel fulfilled. It's only insecure men who say it's a sign of insecurity

My husband and I each have our own, and we have the joint accounts from where we do projects

If the totality of your financial life depends on your husband, disgrace. No man wants a liability

If the husband says, can I get 1 million, ask him, when do you need it. It's not that you are scratching your head

Financial principles

• Tithe to God
• Tithe to yourself
• Don't eat everything you earn
• Save to invest

I save every day at 7:00 a.m. through an app, a piggy bank. If you break it you lose 3% and all the profits. Start with 1,000 or 50,000, you know your size, just grow but save

When I save it's cumulative, I fix it so it's yielding something. Then I do contributions, about four every year. I tell them I want to park last

I'm very careful with my company. If someone carries my money away, I forgive but I cannot forget

You save to invest, so your money is working for you and you are not only working for money

You can't have a laptop and two telephones and not have Apple shares. You can't be on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter and not have their shares

You can't be carrying your children to Disneyland and not have Disney shares. You can't be operating Bank of America and not have its shares.

You can't be drinking Coke and Fanta and not have their shares. You can't be driving a Tesla and not have its shares

Have shares, even if it's $10

That also means self-control. Instead of drinking Coke or doing your nails every week

Some people are wearing as dresses the houses they should have bought. They are wearing the cement they should have bought. Who is even looking at your bag?

The number of weeks some people spend on hair can build a boys' quarters

Proverbs 21:20

Some people don't know how much came into their hand until they want to go to the bank and print a statement

Every time you want God to increase you, the first thing God does is ask for structure. The one I gave you, what did you do with it?

You cannot just be doing charity everywhere. I don't do charity from my savings. I do it from my profit. This is my 23rd year taking care of lepers, from my profits

To ministers and pastors

You cannot be putting all your money in conferences. Wisdom is important

You use money for billboards and conferences, and you don't have partners, you don't have a church base, you don't have anything.

At the end of the day you are wondering, this money that came, what did I use it for? That's not kingdom. That's foolishness

Every money that comes to your hand has a past, a present and a future. It has a seed and a bread. Don't eat the seed