The Fathers Love Healing Wounds Caused By Fathers by Rev. Christie Bature: MP3 Download & Sermon Notes

When I say my father's love, a lot of people are thinking: father's love, I don't know what that means

God told me to speak about his grace to people who are struggling with recognizing him as the kind of father that he is

When I was a child growing up, there was a lot of chaos. Home was not peaceful. Home did not feel safe. Home did not feel welcoming

I felt like a stranger in the home where I was born

When people speak about their fathers with love, honor and respect, I struggled to relate. I didn't have that experience

Illustration: the rehab center

I run a rehab center in Nigeria. A 57 year old man was brought to us. He picked up my book on the demands of brotherhood, the obligations of sonship and the responsibility of fatherhood.

He read it and broke down crying

"I wish my father was alive to see the things in this book. I wish he was alive so we could fix some things"

A young man came to the rehab very angry. He fought everybody and punched holes through the thick wooden partitions. He confronted everyone who tried to speak with him

One day I called him into my office. "Son, what's the matter with you? I'm not scared of you.

I just want to help you." He began to cry, stood up, took off his shirt and turned his back

I cried, and as a therapist you are not supposed to cry. The lacerations on that boy's back were deep injuries

"What happened to your back?" His father was angry because he had misbehaved and shoved him into a glass sliding door. The glass broke and pieces of glass pierced him.

"My father has never apologized or addressed that issue"

We found the core of the boy's anger

In recovery and in addiction circles, we hardly talk about mother wounding. We talk about father wounding

If the father is well positioned, mother wounding will not have too much of a negative effect, because dad was the one called to protect, provide and defend

When dad does not stand in his office properly, things fall apart. Things are not normal

Recognize the angst in your soul. If you are a man in the house, make the decision to be a different kind of father than the one you had

Our perfect example is the heavenly Father

New dimensions of grace

We always think of grace as coming from God to us. God is challenging us to take the grace we have received and give it to others

He is calling us to become vessels that carry his character and his nature

One aspect of God's character is grace. If we are his children, we carry his nature, meaning everything he does we have the capacity and capability to do

Father wounding

Father wounding is the deep core damage done by dads who abuse, who neglect, who desert or are otherwise not around or involved in healthy ways with their children

It is the wound caused by fathers who abdicate. Abdicating is not just a physical thing

The result is a whole Pandora's box of pain, suffering and harmful acting out

That boy punching through walls was speaking to his dad by his action: I'm angry at you

In Nigeria we don't have many psychologists or therapists, and very few child psychologists who can pull things out of children

My biggest silent concern is for the children growing up in northeast Nigeria. Those 16 years and below don't know anything about stability. They only know terror and displacement. Those are the seeds for addictions

I'm worried about the number of addicts that will explode out of Nigeria in a short time because of the trauma children are born into.

For 20 years there has been consistent terror in the north and not much is being done

The cycle of father wounding gets passed down to the next generation, and the next, and the next, except for the grace of God

Father wounding is not just to male children. Female children also suffer from inadequate fathers

4 kinds of fathers who don't look like God

Evaluate yourself

1. The missing in action dad

   This is the dad who physically leaves or interrupts the emotional connection with his children with long periods of absence

   Children are egocentric by nature. Everything that happens they believe is their fault. Maybe I was a bad child, that's why daddy has gone

   Sometimes death has taken the father, but the child doesn't know death. He just knows daddy is gone

   Sometimes it is cross-posting. This is one reason I vehemently discourage long-distance relationships. The damage is more than to the two people. If there are children, they are growing up without one parent

   God knew what he was doing when he made it two. There are aspects a father can never do for the child, and there are things a mother is not designed to carry

   Those whose relationships are breaking down and are using the children as weapons, it's a wicked thing

   He may be a bad husband to you, but he's not a bad father. She may be a terrible wife to you, but she's not a horrible mother

   Why deprive your children of the love of their parent? You fight, fabricate stories, lie, manipulate and poison the children against their parent. This is wrong. It is ungodly. Don't do that

   Don't wound the next generation because you are in pain. God did not ask you to transfer the pain to the next generation.

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   Be a good enough parent to deal with your pain by yourself without inflicting it on others

   Let go your bitterness

   I'm not talking about abusive parents. If a husband abuses the children, by all means separate them from him.

   If a wife wounds the children, separate her from them until she learns how to treat them better

   But if it's only because the two of you are no longer together and you want to inflict pain on the other person, you have deprived him of his children.

   When you stand before God you will answer him. He had a right to shape the lives of his children and you took that from him

   Fathers disappear through cross-posting, military assignment, or work on the rig, three months away and one month at home. Just as the children are about to connect emotionally, they are gone

   The legacy: they have problems bonding with others. I can't trust, because they will soon be gone

   A counselor hears one spouse say: I can't seem to reach him. There seems to be a wall they are hiding behind. They are products of this kind of father.

   They are afraid to open up because the person can go away again like daddy. So they protect themselves and block everybody. They can get married but still hold themselves aloof

   • May the love of the Father, the grace of God, break through that and cause you to trust humans again, because these are trust issues.

   The symptoms:

   Conflict with authority. Daddy represents authority, so anything that looks like authority, I will fight it. I'm really trying to get to daddy and tell him I hate him for what he did to me.

   That's why that boy was insolent to everybody in the rehab

   Drifting through life with no direction. They get a job today and resign six months later for no reason. They always get jobs but they won't stay. There was nobody to anchor them

   Codependency. It is like one person playing a ball game by themselves. You hit the ball, run to the other side to receive your own ball, hit it back, then run.

   One person doing all the work to keep something going

2. The boundary buster dad

   This is a father who breaks down the personal boundaries of his children with abuse

   Children playing in the house scatter the moment they hear his horn at the gate. The house is straight in two seconds. Nobody comes running, "Yay, daddy's back." Daddy was a tyrant, not a daddy.

   A terror. That is psychological abuse

   He is also the one who physically assaults, not just the children

   Testimony: I was 10 years old the one and only time I saw my dad hit my mom. I'm 59 now.

   I have not forgotten what my mother was wearing, the blood that trickled from her nose, or where I was standing in the house. It's a 50 year old memory. My mother was pregnant

   Now imagine a child who witnesses it over and over

   Illustration: patterns repeat in generations

   I know a man whose father was permanently cheating on the mother. He brought his concubines to the house and pushed his wife out of the bedroom. The mother was always crying

   When the man grew up, he led his younger brothers and they beat their father up when he did it again. Today that man is a worse cheat than his father.

   He hated what his father did, but he became what he hated

   Nobody is intentionally breaking through these patterns, so they repeat

   The son of a drunk will most likely drink. The son of a smoker will most likely smoke. When I use son, don't think about gender

   Testimony: my dad drank heavily and introduced all of us to drinking

   When you are addicted your limbic system is impaired and you don't think straight. He busted our psychological boundaries by introducing us to alcohol

   He had eight children by my mother. Today the family of 10 has shrunk to a family of two. I buried eight of them

   My dad died from cirrhosis of the liver. My siblings became addicts

   When you don't deal with your struggles and challenges in your generation, you doom your children to fighting battles they have no business fighting

   If there is physical genetics, there is spiritual genetics. At the hospital the first question is who in your family has high blood pressure, who has diabetes.

   What we see in the physical is already happening in the spiritual

   Ezekiel 18:2

   That's spiritual genetics right there

   Isaiah 51:1

   Whatever is going on with you now, check where you're coming from

   Our rehab is also a trauma center. I'm constantly confronted with little girls who are broken, because I have fathers who are violating their daughters sexually

   Yesterday I shared about a young lady in rehab whose mother had been violating her into lesbianism since she was seven. She ended up a crack cocaine addict, angry at her mother

   A 12 year old sat in front of me. Her father had been molesting her since she was nine. When she told her mother, her father said she was lying and stopped speaking to her.

   He said he will never speak to her until she tells the truth. "But auntie, there's no other truth to tell"

   I went to the toilet to cry first

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   Rev. Christie Bature

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   The child wants her daddy. Even though he has violated her, her heart needs him

   But he has cut her off because she exposed him. She is 12 and confused: why is he saying I'm lying?

   The boundary buster dad breaks his children down by violating physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual boundaries

   Some fathers beat their children, yet they must go to church.

   Some of the greatest men on the pulpit in Nigeria have sons and daughters who sat across from me and said, "I hate my father's god.

   The man on the pulpit is not the man at all. It's two separate people. I don't want to have anything to do with Jesus"

   One of them said, "I know I'm called into ministry but I will never go near it. I'm working a secular job, making a lot of money, but I have no fulfillment.

   Yet I will never answer the call." Why? His father

   There is a difference between abuse and discipline

   I had seven children and I caned according to size. 0 to 3 got the broomstick. 3 to 6 got a school ruler. 7 to 10 got the cane.

   If you get to 10 and the cane hasn't taught you a lesson, you will have kobokoko

   When my first son turned 14, I said, "I will not beat you again. You're a big boy.

   We will be talking through issues." That held until he turned 24 and was working in an oil company, feeling big but still living in my house

   One day he was very tall, looking at the middle of my head, and I said, "Who born you?" We were both surprised when I slapped him. That was his last slap

   The legacy: they have problems communicating boundaries with others. They snatch your pen or your pencil. "I'm not in the mood, give me my pencil." Are you the first person to have a pencil?

   Your roommate in university wears your shirt and there is no apology, not even an explanation. "What's the big deal?

   You have six, I have only one." Nobody respected their boundaries, so they don't know how to respect boundaries. They don't have any

   The symptoms:

   They have a high tolerance for chaos. They put up with a lot of abuse before acknowledging there is a problem. These are the women you can't get out of abusive marriages.

   They saw their mother put up with it. Life was always chaotic, so it's normal

   A lady was being beaten every day and the violence was getting worse. The pastor said, "Leave.

   Let's try and reach this man." She said, "No pastor, my own is not that bad." Her friend's husband pushes her to sleep outside when he beats her.

   "My own still allows me to sleep inside." For her that's okay

   They also have problems trusting God's goodness, because daddy is not good. Now you're telling me of another daddy. They have the same name, so they have to be the same kind of person

3. The critical dad

   This is a father who doesn't accept the child he has and compares the child to others. That is largely because he doesn't accept himself

   Illustration: the doctor who became an artist

   I know a man who forced all seven of his children to read medicine because he couldn't be a doctor. Some of them were art students

   One son spent 10 years in the university trying to get a medical degree. In his final year he secretly wrote the entrance exam again and got admission.

   Once he collected his certificate as a medical doctor, he gave it to his father, turned around and went back to start year one as a fine artist

   If you see his paintings you will know he was called to paint. His father cost him 10 years for a degree he has never used for one day

   The critical dad takes your report card and you are second in position. "Why are you bringing second position to this house? The person that took first, does he have two heads?

   If you come back with second position again, you will see what I do to you"

   No word of encouragement, no grace to the child, no praise for what they have achieved

   A young man was doing everything to please his father. He ran a track race, came first, and ran to his father with the medal.

   His father said, "Well, probably all the people that ran against you were just lazy." The boy's hands dropped

   Testimony: my dad told us he never came second in school. Always first. A brilliant mechanical engineer, first class from a university in London

   One year my brother found one of my father's old report cards in his box. Fifth position. He brought it to my father: "Daddy, you told us you never came second. Absolutely never.

   What is this?" My father put on his glasses and said we did not tell you that one time he was sick, he came fifth

   The legacy: the children of the critical father can exhibit poor self-image and a very distorted image of God

   They are often very controlling and defensive. I say, "Church people, you did not invite any unbeliever to church," and one person takes it personally.

   "Pastor, why are you talking like that?" I didn't call your name. To survive such a father, you have to be defensive

   They always sit on the fence. A woman says, "My husband is so loving. He allows me to do anything.

   He doesn't have a problem with any decision." What you don't know is that man is a product of a critical dad. He takes no decisions, because if anything goes wrong he can't be blamed.

   Any way they turn, father criticizes

   Testimony: I grew up like that, but it was from my mom. She couldn't hide her favorite children, the one before me and the one behind me. I was in the middle

   If I quarreled with my big sister, my mother beat me: you are very rude to your senior. If I quarreled with my junior, she beat me: you are a bad example to your sister

   So I grew up knowing that whatever I do, they will beat me. I decided that instead of trying to do good and being beaten anyway, I would do the one that pleases me.

   Most of what pleases me is not good. I do it knowing I will be punished, but at least I've enjoyed it

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   In secondary school they called me a stubborn child. "Go and sweep." "All of us have been given a portion to sweep.

   Why are you sending me to sweep yours?" They punished me five times what I should have swept. I would sweep five times, but not that one

   There are people you meet and you don't understand where their character and attitude are coming from. From today God will give you grace to recognize what's going on with people. Maybe ask questions, maybe help

4. The shadow dad

   This is a traditional dad who is physically present but essentially unavailable

   Your father can be a combination of all four. He can have small small of each, but you will find one predominant. My dad was predominantly a shadow dad

   Testimony: all my life growing up, I don't remember having more than two serious conversations with my father. The rest was, "Daddy, school fees. Daddy, I've outgrown my shoes. Daddy, I need a new dress.

   Daddy, Christmas clothes." That's all

   I cannot tell you my father's values shaped me, because I didn't know what they were. They were never discussed

   When fathers come to the rehab, one worksheet asks them to write the values of their family. They return it blank. It wasn't communicated

   It is critical that every father sits down and decides what family we have. What are the values that govern this family? What must everybody in this family adhere to or subscribe to?

   The shadow dad sits watching TV or reading his newspaper, and you talk to him while he looks at the TV or the newspaper. "Daddy, I'm talking to you.

   Is it my ears that hear you or my eyes?"

   How do you feel if you are talking to somebody and they are looking at their phone? Dismissed, unimportant, disregarded. That's the shadow dad

   The shadow dad is dealing with his own addictions. He has nothing to give. The wife is the one running around doing everything for the children

   We come to church for change, not for judgment or condemnation. If we discover from the word of God, the perfect law of liberty James 1:25, that we're not doing okay, we change.

   We ask for God's help and correct the divergence

   The legacy: the children have problems with attachment and communication. They talk about themselves in the third person. They never make demands directly, because they know it will be turned down

   Someone who likes my glasses will not come and say, "Christie, may I borrow them for today with my outfit?"

   They hang around and say, "Man likes this kind of glasses." That way, if it is turned down, it was not me who asked

   These are subtle indicators. You can't talk about yourself in the first person, because you have never been communicated value to, so you can't attribute value to yourself

   They can't receive from God and ultimately anyone else. Have you seen people who are so good at helping others but it is almost impossible for them to accept help?

   I told a friend, "Please let me send you some money." "Ah, no." Yet the way she gives to me baffles me. Why is it easy to give but so hard to receive?

   You may think the person is being nice and doesn't want to stress you. No. It is self-preservative behavior

Turn from man and face God

2 Kings 20:1 to 2 Kings 20:2

Hezekiah turned from man and faced God. Every time situations come at you, take your eyes off the situation and take your eyes off the person, and face God

This is not for you to go and start cursing your father or your mother.

I'm not sharing these things so you start blaming your dad, or blaming yourself if you are the father who has fallen short

It is so you can turn your eyes away from the situation and face God. God is the one who can fix what's broken

The father I want you to go home with

Luke 15:11

This is the picture of the father I want you to go home with

The oldest son, like many firstborns, was conscientious, hardworking and dutiful. All the pressure was on you. Show the example. Lead the others.

If somebody broke a plate, they beat you, not the person who broke it

The younger son, like many second-borns, was the exact opposite. He wanted to party. He demanded his inheritance early

Essentially he was wishing his father dead, because you don't inherit until the owner has died. In effect: just die so I can collect

He had a wild party, squandered all the money, hit rock bottom and hired himself out to feed pigs

The guy everybody gathered around, who gave to everybody, is now begging and nobody gives to him

You have to understand what that means for a Jew. See how low he fell. When he came to his senses he started rehearsing the lines of apology he would tell his father

Luke 15:20

In those days the farmlands were outside the village, with one road leading into it. Anybody walking that road was seen by all the villagers.

When a child had misbehaved, the child was made to walk that road while everybody stared. It had a name, the shame walk

What kind of eagle eye did this father have? From afar he knew, that's my boy

Fathers in the house, how well do you know even the physical form of your son? The boy had been eating pig food. He must have lost weight. He looked dirty.

But the father's heart was connected to the son, and he recognized him from afar

He ran. An old man ran toward a son who wished him dead

What has your son done that you can't forgive? What can your son do that you will not forgive? What debt are you still insisting your son must pay?

He kissed the dirty, smelly son. He hugged a stinking son who had caused him so much pain. This is the picture of our heavenly Father

If your earthly father does not know you, the heavenly Father knows you. If your earthly father has turned his back on you, the heavenly Father has compassion for you more than enough

Exodus 33:18

Exodus 34:6 to Exodus 34:7

Moses asked to see God's glory, and look at how God introduced himself to Moses. This is how God introduces himself

I want to introduce you to the gracious Father. The Father who has grace for you

Grace is unmerited favor. In theology, grace is the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God. You don't have to earn it. I don't deserve it. I couldn't earn it.

It is the reckless love of God

If you were broken by your dad, turn from man and face the heavenly Father. If you have been rejected by your earthly dad, turn from man and face the heavenly Father

He is gracious. He is full of grace. His love for you is scandalous. It has no limits. You are perfect the way God sees you

Maybe you had a critical dad who body shamed you. Maybe you grew up with a father who didn't even behave like you existed. Maybe he disappeared on you

This one will never disappear. He runs to you in your most filthy state and he hugs you. It doesn't matter to him what you look like or where you have been

Be refathered

Turn your face to the Father. Bring all your pain to him. Bring all your suffering and your struggles to him

Maybe you had a shadow dad. A critical dad. A boundary buster dad. A missing in action dad. Ask God to refather you by his grace

Someone needs to agree with you to let go of the pain, the frustration, the shame, the rejection, the anger

Someone needs to agree with you to change and be a different kind of father from who you've been. You need the healing of God to let go of bitterness

I had to let go of the disappointment I felt at my father, and the emptiness I felt because he was not available

Acts 9:9 and Acts 9:20

Luke 22:42 to Luke 22:43

Jesus was in Gethsemane, broken down by the weight of what he had to confront. There are men in this room saying, "Lord, take this cup from me"