Q&a: The 9 Principles Of Marital Settlement by Rev. Sam Oye: MP3 Download & Sermon Notes

Marrying Someone With a Painful Past

A question came in about a man who cohabited with a woman for eight years, had two children with her, and has since separated — and three months into a new relationship, told his new partner about it. Can you see why we say if you violate the principles, there are consequences? That woman can no longer simply present herself as single; any future partner has to weigh not just her, but her two children and the entire history of that relationship. That's what happens when God's principles aren't allowed to guide a relationship from the start.

For the new woman in this situation, the man's past alone shouldn't disqualify him — but there are real questions to work through. Was he a believer when it happened? If so, what spiritual state was he in? Has he taken responsibility for the part he played in how things unraveled? What role is he playing in his children's lives now — is he present, does he support them, is he cordial with their mother without crossing into something more?

Memory doesn't disappear just because a relationship ends. There was a season of real intimacy between him and the mother of his children, and under the wrong circumstances, that history can resurface. So the real question isn't just "is he a good man now" — it's how genuinely finished that connection actually is. If the mother of his children still wants him back, a new partner can easily become the person blamed for keeping them apart, and that tension will follow the relationship. If, after asking these questions honestly, everything points to a man who has taken responsibility, is present for his children, and has no lingering romantic connection to their mother, there's nothing wrong with considering him on his own merit going forward.

Healing From a Painful Relationship Before Starting a New One

After a painful relationship, it's natural to overcorrect — to focus so heavily on whatever was missing before that you become blind to real weaknesses in whoever offers the opposite. Someone who dated an aggressive partner may swing toward someone passive and mistake "different" for "better," only to discover, well into the new relationship, that the very trait they valued at first has its own cost.

When choosing again, define what you want based on who fulfills you, not based on what you're trying to prove or escape. Write down what you're actually looking for — someone God-fearing, someone who will love your children, someone who gives you room to be yourself — rather than defining the list in opposition to your last relationship. Otherwise you'll keep mistaking "different" for "better."

Purpose, Patience, and Position

Knowing your purpose isn't enough on its own — it has to be paired with patience, which is what protects you from settling under pressure, especially the cultural pressure many women face around age and timing. Purpose without patience leads people to accept whatever comes along simply to avoid being alone.

It also matters where you position yourself. Someone whose calling involves supporting a person in leadership or public influence needs to actually be in spaces where people like that gather — professional networks, communities of like-minded believers — not simply waiting passively. Ruth wasn't found by Boaz by accident; she positioned herself in his field. Being clear about your purpose while remaining in the wrong environment, surrounded by people who don't share your vision, will only produce frustration on both sides — for you, and for anyone unprepared for what you carry.

When a Partner Hides Something From You

If someone seems to be concealing a struggle or a past pattern of behavior, consider first whether they're responding to trauma or fear rather than dishonesty for its own sake. Someone with a difficult upbringing often tests a partner with small disclosures first, watching the reaction, before ever risking a bigger one. If you've made your own "deal breakers" clear ahead of time, and someone has already crossed one of them, they now have every incentive to conceal it rather than risk losing you — not because they're incapable of honesty, but because they're protecting the relationship the only way they know how.

If someone has repeatedly chosen to keep pursuing something they know would end the relationship, that repeated choice tells you what they've decided they want. Create a genuinely non-judgmental space, invite the honest conversation directly rather than waiting to be told, and be willing to let someone go to pursue the life they've clearly chosen, rather than trying to hold on to someone who has already decided what they value most.